just tell him i said nine months
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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