Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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