I'm really into asian looking animals
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
