Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
