Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
