I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
