i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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