theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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