cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i out mim tonsoeep
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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