Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
