Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
