I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
