I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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