last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
