I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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