I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
