Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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