just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
