I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
