1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I want a musical about memes.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
