Please, let me fuck your mom
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Your penis caused this!
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