Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
