I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
