My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
