He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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