the condom got lost in my hair
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
