I wish I could teleport
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
