soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
