I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
