when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
