Betty ford says i'm here all night
someone get that fucking seahorse.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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