took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize