Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
