Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
