i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
