The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
