Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
