Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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