remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
