omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
