I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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