so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
