Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
