life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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