Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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