how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
