She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
