My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize