also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
