Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
