I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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