Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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