I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize