He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
