i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
