Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
