She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's blow job season.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
