I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
