3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
