You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
